Woody Allen Quotes
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Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right. That [sex] was the most fun I ever had without laughing. Don't knock masturbation, it's
sex with someone I |
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Sex
between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful - provided you get between the right
man and the right woman. My love life is terrible. The last time I was
inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty. Love
is the answer -
but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty interesting
questions. I'm such a good lover because I practise
a lot on my own. The food in this place is really terrible. Yes, and such small portions. That's essentially how I
feel about life. If it turns out that
there is a God, I don't think that
he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an
underachiever. I'm short enough and ugly enough to succeed on
my own. I'm really a timid person - I was beaten up by Quakers. My
brain - it's my
second favorite organ. Q. Have you ever taken
a serious political stand on
anything? Eternal
nothingness is
fine if you happen to be dressed for it. Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on
weekends. The lion and the calf shall lie down together
but the calf won't get much sleep. It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there
when it happens. The thing to remember
is that each time of life has its appropriate rewards, whereas when you're dead it's hard to find the light
switch. The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there
may be no afterlife - a depressing thought, particularly for those who have
bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no
one will know where it's being held. On the plus side, death is one of the
few things that can be done as easily lying down. Money is better than poverty, if only
for financial reasons. I was thrown out of
college for cheating on the
metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy. My parents were very old world. They come from Brooklyn, which is
the heart of the I have never been an intellectual but I have this look. A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to sleep
with me and she said 'no'. I am at two with nature. Some guy hit my fender,
and I told him 'be fruitful, and multiply.'
But not in those words. I wanted to be an
arch-criminal as a child, before I discovered I was too short. I asked the girl if she
could bring a sister for me. She
did. Sister Maria Teresa. It was a very slow evening. We discussed the New
Testament. We agreed that He was very well adjusted for an only child. And my parents finally
realize that I'm kidnapped and they
snap into action immediately: they rent out my room. |
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My one regret in life is that I am not someone
else. Death is an acquired trait. I don't want to achieve
immortality through my work…I |
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Take
the money and run. If only God would give
me some clear sign! Like making a
large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. On bisexuality: It immediately doubles your
chances for a date on Saturday night. I recently turned sixty. Practically a third of my life
is over. I had a terrible education. I attended a school for
emotionally disturbed teachers. Another good thing
about being poor is that when you
are seventy your children will not have declared you legally insane in order
to gain control of your estate. The
baby is fine.
The only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson. How can I believe in God when justlast
week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter? I sold the memoirs of my sex life to a publisher - they are going
to make a board game out of it. Basically my wife was immature. I'd be in my bath and she'd come
in and sink my boats. If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as
Warren Beatty's fingertips. The only time my wife
and I had a simultaneous orgasm was
when the judge signed the divorce papers. I do not believe in an after life, although I am bringing a change
of underwear. If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans. If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign
you're not doing anything very innovative. There are two types of
people in this world: good and bad.
The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more . More than any time in
history mankind faces a crossroads.
One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total
extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly. What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that
case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. Interestingly, according
to modern astronomers, space is finite.
This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never
remember where they have left things. 94.5% of all statistics are made up. Why ruin a good story with the truth? Sex is
like having dinner:
sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you
take the meal seriously. It is impossible to
travel faster than light and
certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off... I failed to make the chess team because of my height. Sex
between 2 people is
a beautiful thing. Between 5, it's fantastic. I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his
deathbed, sold me this watch. I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy
bear in my crib. |
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